nice guys DO finish last, if they even start!

news!!

2011-12-28T17:46:29+00:00

well its been an interesting year.
mum finally had her thyroid out after 8 months of waiting and her heart is going to be restarted tomorrow the day before my birthday. no work yet on the gall bladder removal but i guess we will see. its a minor issue compared to the other 2.
i am now finally debt free, after ummm 6? years which is a huge relief and means i can finally move out and move forward in my personal life.
yesterday was the 6 month anniversary for me and my gf/slave,, she lives about an hour away by train so for once is relatively local and attainable. shes not currently working but giving the job market atm that's not anything to be ashamed of.
shes kinky as i am, young, gorgeous, fit, size 8 (6 if your american), wants exactly the same things from life i do, funny, silly, sweet, loving, caring, loyal, obedient, the list goes on and on. quite simply she is perfect and she will be moving in with me soon as is reasonable.
i know this girl is the one for me. especially as for the 18 months prior to meeting her i was having another relationship with another woman. i realise now that relationship was the rebound one i needed to get over the half assed disaster that came before it.
the other thing i love about my slave is her total lack of baggage and mental problems. something that became apparent over the last 10 years is that women my age are single for a reason and are so impossibly fucked up damaged and insecure your never going to be able to put them right or relax for a moment. i am lucky then that this girl is 18 and not screwed up by life or decades of screwed up love life. yes that's right, i said shes 18 making me near as damn it twice her age. did i pursue her? no. did i repeatedly ask her iff she was sure? yes. she wants ME. not me for now, not me for a bit but me forever.
is this a mad passionate affair? yes and no. passion burns brightly for us sometimes but under that we are so so connected and solid and stable its unreal, i have never felt this happy connected or comfortable with another person

grrr!

2011-06-13T15:54:45+00:00

I got told today i should take my pick of the following titles - philanderer, casa nova, lothario or slut. and it was meant seriously.
i said i have never cheated and im not a womanizer, hell im in the middle of a dry spell thats lasted a year!
i didnt get an apology what i got was 'i have my opinion and you need a sense of humour'
i cant remember the last time i was so angry!
i hadnt spoken to them in 2 years then they come back and insult me? fuck that!
I am a flirt online, i admit that. it cheers peeps up and makes peeps smile. i am an occasional flirt IRL but im shy and its clumsy at best. I dont have many buttons to instant rage but question my honesty or honour and.... well 'you wouldnt like me when im angry' as dr david banner once said

wahoo!

2011-05-11T21:37:03+00:00

we got an 8% pay rise at the start of the new tax year which i thought was pretty good. just found out that raise is being lifted to 25% next month. im stunned! will make moving out SOOOO much easier
my own space at last!
might be even tempted to buy my own lil place hehe

i was wrong

2011-05-04T01:57:56+00:00

i have just properly caught up with mandy for the first time in ages, i assumed once she moved out of her unhappy rel into something altogether more busy and interesting (and kinky!) that she would be ok. that with 2 people to love her she would finally be free and able bloom and grow and be the person i know she is inside without fear. it made me sick to think of her with someone else, actually really physically ill to the point i had to break contact for a bit simply to get my head back together and regain a semblance of strength inside me again. i dont think she ever understood how much i love(d) her, need(ed) her want(ed) her.
anyway she found someone else she moved on i fell to bits and am now mostly back together again (though sometimes hearing her talk about him breaks me inside afresh and i have to recoil a little)
get to the point bob!
i did wonder if what she was getting into would work, if it wouldnt rip itself to bits from the inside. apparently its already got really close once or twice this year with at least 1 'im single again, i have to move again' type posting.
ive just caught up on 6 months or blogs and posts from her and it just seems like its even more a facade of happiness than it was before. more loneliness more pain, more confusion MUCH more tension from more quarters than before. I know she doesnt love me anymore but i at least understand her. im back to wanting to save her before she shatters completely *sigh*
jealousy (or something, i dont have any details and i dont wish to pry unless i get the feeling she wants to talk about it) has crept in and now it seems like shes gone from 1 lover to the promise of 2 and now seems to be sharing just one as he splits his time between mandy and his wife. its a mess and i cant see it ending well. if shes lucky him and her will end up together on their own away from all other people, but even then its a fucking mess and a half with work and living arrangements and kids to see and support.
Ugh! i would love nothing more than for her to have her happy ever after but i just dont think its going to come. i dont think she dare let him go coz she would shatter but at the same time staying there is killing her emotionally and mentally and physically. im worried about her. the best i can do is be there to talk to if she needs me and get my ass moved out and give her a place to run to if she needs it.
god, what she wrote has made with sick with worry, im not eatting tonight now
mandy i love you still, your much more than you think you are. i will honour my promise to you still, if you need me

mum

2011-05-04T01:04:42+00:00

just so everyone knows, she is home again for the moment and ok. still has much to be fixed but is stable for now. thanks to everyone for concern

mum

2011-04-13T22:25:40+00:00

much more herself today. on blood thinners to help get the pooling blood from her lungs and heart. the plan seems to be to make sure she doesnt have any clots so when they start her heart again she doesnt then have a stroke. shes stable and alert and out of bed, its just a waiting game till they can fix her heart beat, then its thyroid to control and finally gut
fun and games sigh!

worried

2011-04-11T16:41:20+00:00

mum was taken to hospital this morning. something to do with her heart. mum is scared shes gong to die

sigh

2011-04-09T17:07:48+00:00

mostly im fine as i potter through life. not exactly happy not exactly sad. a lil lonely sometimes but ive got into a work/sleep pattern and i try not to think too much.
ive loved and been loved. but not for a long time. my last great passion kept me at arms length for so long i lost heart and felt like she never loved me and that pain hit hard and deep. i was angry and tired emotionally so when she reached out in early feb i didnt reach back.
im in no illusions, that rel is over, she has found happiness and the love and support i would have given her had i been able to close the distance between us. there are times though i wonder 'what if'.
Perhaps i should be looking harder for love but honestly i wouldnt know where to start anymore, im flirty online but not with anyone close enough to be practical.
i know im still young but i think she will have been my last great love. a bit of me died with her leaving. im coping now enough to have her back on my timeline but maybe i shouldnt. i dunno. i wonder why she invited me to be her friend again? *shrugs*
back to work soon

not a good day

2011-04-08T23:19:09+00:00

mum has Atrial Fibrillation. probably a symptom of her thyroid problems. that and diabetes make 3 cronic conditions mum has... that i know about.
dunno what to think or feel right now

confused

2011-04-05T01:59:25+00:00

for the last month ive had veiws nearly every day and the last few its been 30 a day! what the hell is so interesting?!

interesting!

2011-02-28T15:31:13+00:00

one of my credit card companies sent me a letter today tripling my limit. i guess this means my credit score has improved?

ugh

2011-01-13T22:55:42+00:00

i need to blog, so much crap going on and so fed up of it and weary.
need sleep right now.
thought id managed to escape the depressing effects of december. i was wrong.

pretty song

2010-11-25T22:38:14+00:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOS9aOIXPEk&feature=channel

wow

2010-09-13T09:17:57+00:00

just had the best sex in forever lol. feel so fucking good right now! sleepy though lol. nn peeps

giggles

2010-08-17T19:48:16+00:00

been a long time since i was on the phone to america lol. Remembered the correct international dialing on just my second attempt - yay!
it was damn fine to be talking to her again after so long on just text. she still have a beautiful voice. I posted a couple of links before for evanescence songs. Paula has that singers voice when she sings, in fact thats where i first heard them and the reason i bought one of thier albums.
it was supposed to be just a 20 min chat and it ended being over an hour and a half!
and yes we did the whole - you hang up no you hang up - ok on the count of three.... Just like we used to! i feel so much like a kid again when im with her.
there are no guarantees still of anything happening between us but i notice shes bringing up alot of small practicalities and things that would matter.
I think if i had to i would move over there for her, especially if i could get a transfer within the company. though we both know we would get out of there and come back here pretty quick. or go to new zealand lol.
for the first time in a long time im feeling a great deal of 'rightness'
we will see

knocked on my ass

2010-08-13T00:22:37+00:00

well the last 2 days have been unusual!
shortly after i started coming online some 10 years ago i met a girl on a website that no longer exists called 'spark match'. We were matched and well, we got along great! - i was 22 she was 18. she was clever and fun and talented beyond belief. everything was going well even with her bi polar getting in the way at times.
The only problem was she was in Mississippi and I'm in England lol. In the end the distance was just too much for her. we drifted appart. she went on a roving performance tour and she just couldnt get on line so much. we both found other partners over the years but kept in touch and she even sent me her wedding pictures about 5 years ago. just good friends
Yesterday she confessed she was never happy in her marriage, even before she wed. this stumped me completely. We hadnt talked long or often in a few years as my ex gf's tended to be very jealous but she had always seemed happy in her relationship. i talked to her and was just there for her as i always have been 'the rock in the malestrom of her life' as always. we joked a bit we flirted a lil like the old days she laughed and was brought out of herself a lil bit.
today we chatted again. and in the midst of a silly chat about all the places we would go see if i won 100 million on the lottery she confessed.
Ive always loved you. i wish id been braver back then and chosen you instead. you always looked after me and made me feel safe and loved. and i feel guilty for treating you the way i did.
I didnt know what to say.
Surely there are other guys you know who you would be happy with?
no, your the only other guy ive loved in appart from David, and you have always been there.
i dont know what to think! obviously she is one of my oldest friends but shes rebounding.
it has brought back so many memories and feelings though. and now we are older the distance seems less insurmountable.
she wont leave him though im sure. its a nice dream but i doubt it will happen.
still, was nice to know such a fantastic girl has carried a torch for me all these years lol.

insomnia

2010-08-07T11:32:17+00:00

i found these songs today. speak for themselves http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6cZZgwFBX4 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpxHzZ11qLo

dusting myself off

2010-07-30T03:17:03+00:00

thanks to those that send messages and comments. im fine. weirdly, i really am lol. 2 or 3 years ago i would have been really upset for a while but now im ok. it seems ive come further than i realised. someone said i have too much drama in my life and as far as my online life went the last few years have been a rollercoaster. fun to start with but now i just want to get off.
i made too many compromises on myself in order to please someone else (something ive been guilty of before). i changed myself to suit someone else and im not going to do that again. if you dont like me for who i am then find someone else.
perhaps there is someone out there for me perhaps there isnt. but im damn tired of constantly being the one who has to make all the sacrifices.
anyway thanks again everyone.

pain

2010-07-25T11:34:25+00:00

today i discovered a new pain.
i find i have to write this in the hope it will lessen. but im not sure who i want to read this so i blog here where these days i am more or less anonimous.
i have been in love with someone for years now. she is wonderful and beautiful. passionate and strong and yet delicate and fragile too.
she would not leave her bf even when she was unhappy, even when he hit her. she would not cheat and i would not ask her to.
i only met her once but it was enough to confirm my feelings for her. a few glorious days just chatting and wandering. i was dumbfounded by her. tongue tied, dazzled.
i still am.
so i learned to live with the pain that she would never be mine. i forced myself to stop endlessly gushing my love for her because she found it too much. i gave her space when she was falling for girls and not in the mood for me. i resisted bombarding her with messages when i thought she was busy.
the truth is though, every time my phone beeped i hoped it was you. when it rang in the night i scrambled to answer incase you needed me. every time i got an IM or an email i hoped it was you. i held my breath
then this week she leaves him.
i am utterly stunned. i had honestly believed it would never happen.
and then the pain.
i hadnt been there. you believed me uninterested or unfeeling or too busy.
you found love elsewhere and now i have a new pain.
ive lost you all over again because i wasnt attentive enough when you needed me.
i wasnt good enough when it counted.
i thought asking if you were ok when i worried just pissed you off as prying. i believed being interested in your life just made me a stalker. i believed that if you wanted me to know something or if you ever needed me for anything you would just come to me and tell or ask what you wanted.
i was wrong. and now your gone. again. your loss is pain enough i can hardly bear that its now my fault for being inept.
im broken. its not your fault its mine. all i can do is keep loving you keep hope alive somehow and keep my promise to always be there for you. no matter what. maybe you will come back to me one day.
*sigh*
i know you wont though.
i wish i could talk to you i wish i was there. i wish you still felt something for me. i wish i could make it better.
im hurting but i know you are too.
im not stupid nor selfish. your putting on a mask to deal with things and pouring your heart out to someone else no doubt.
i wish you could/would talk to me. i would be there for you. and in being there you would heal me too.
i cant help loving you. i know you too well not to. nothing has really changed i guess. its just now i know i missed what slim window i had.
and so i smile and flirt and try to be cheerful for you. inside im dead. you could revive me but the moment has passed. all my fault

single again

2010-02-07T13:15:02+00:00

is there really much more to say than that? just tired of being messed about by women too scared to take a chance on happiness. i dunno, maybe i should just start being a bastard? Women seem to find this the normal state of affairs, being nice freaks them out!